A reporter from Education.com contacted me last night with questions about handling death in an elementary school community (student or teacher). Today, I found myself talking about the subject again in a presentation I gave on creative interventions for children's grief. The challenge is: how can generations of adults who were not educated about healthy grieving support the healthy grieving process among a community of children? The adults in a grieving child's world are often inept when it comes to addressing a death. Children pick up on the fear adults have around this and on goes the taboo. Here are answers I gave to the three questions she asked:
1. What are healthy ways of talking about death among little kids? Check out the article in my website This is re: serious illness of loved one, same rules apply to death. Bottom line: Be honest, direct & age appropriate. Correct information (even if painful to give) is much better than what the imagination of a child can conjure up. It also builds trust in the relationship. Age appropriate means less words for less years. Less letters in the words for less years. (ie. There was a car crash and Uncle Jerry head got hit so hard, his brain can't work anymore and he died.") Avoid indirect words like: "passed away." Use examples in nature to explain death that child can relate to (ie. dead insect - body is still can't move.)
2. How can memorials help in kids' grieving process? Participation in memorials, funerals, etc. should be optional for the child. If s/he decides to go, s/he should be prepped on what to expect. Often the reason they don't want to go is that is an unknown. Help orient them and be sure they have a support buddy with them (another adult who isn't too caught up in own grief if parent is). Participation in death rituals helps kids to realize the loss, understand death (ie. body really doesn't work), make closure with the support of their community, and begin integrating the loss. Otherwise, it is like the person who died simply disappeared. The grief process (which is a healing process) could be postponed by the lack of realization of loss.
3. What are lessons in the long-run our kids' will get if grief is supported in the school community? Grief is part of living. Too often we are alone in this part. Kids especially. They often feel "different" at school because we live in a culture that has great difficulty with knowing how to handle death and grief. Learning how to grieve in a healthy way, supported by one's community (for a child, this is family and school), is a potential gift that comes out of loss. Children learn that grieving is normal, even the aspects of it that feel "crazy" or more intense than any feeling they may have had to date. Within a community feeling the loss, they learn they are not alone, that friendships can become closer with shared experiences, and that life does go on and hearts do heal. Confidence in their ability to cope and heal is planted and they are better equipped when faced with other losses down the line.
